Val Baldwin, CPC
Live Your Ultimate Life
Singles looking for their soulmates continually ask me “how do you know when you’ve met the right person”? “Why do some relationships work and others don’t”? It is for all you searching singles that I have created my 3-part formula for relationship success. Follow this formula and you will have the clarity you need to choose the right person the first time and final time.
To truly have the relationship of your dreams, you need 3 critical elements. It’s crucial that you have all 3 to truly have a fulfilling, passionate, joyful, forever relationship that every person desires and deserves. No matter how much you love someone or how hard you work on the relationship, if there is even one element of this formula missing, the relationship will not work. It’s that simple. It doesn’t mean one of you is good and the other is bad, it just means you are simply not a match. Don’t waste your time, or your potential partners time trying to fix a relationship that simply isn’t right for either of you. Move on.
One of the most powerful and true quotes I have ever heard is by H. Jackson Brown Jr. He said: “Once you make a partner choice, you can’t change who your partner is, so you want to choose your mate carefully, from this one decision will come 90% of your happiness or misery.”
The key to true relationship happiness is to NEVER SETTLE for anything less than this 3-part formula.
1.PHYSICAL CHEMISTRY: It’s the high, the rush, the euphoria you feel when you are physical with your partner. From a simple, tender first kiss to passionate lovemaking. It’s almost indescribable, yet you know it when you feel it and there is no mistaking it for something else. Two people either have it or they don’t. You can’t “will” physical chemistry into being.
Warning: strong physical chemistry can disillusion people in thinking they have found Mr. or Miss Right. Remember to balance your hormones with your head and know you still need the other 2 elements of the formula for a lasting relationship.
Also be aware that a new relationship always has that rush and high of the “new love” stage. Keep in mind that euphoria will calm down over time, and that is natural and normal. You will move to the “real love” stage where you see the person for completely who they are….faults and all. There are many ways to keep the physical passion alive, but you can’t create it if you never had the physical chemistry to begin with. All committed, loving couples deserve to have a lasting, passionate physical relationship that lasts a lifetime.
2.BEST FRIEND CHEMISTRY: This kind of chemistry allows two people to deeply “get” each other. They naturally understand and feel understood by the other partner. It makes them curious about and respectful of each other’s feelings and opinions. When you have this chemistry, two people share a genuine mutual admiration and they speak of it openly and frequently. This kind of chemistry motivates a couple to stick up for and give one another the benefit of the doubt. Best-friend chemistry leads partners to be excited by each other’s dreams of the future and to laugh at the same things. They completely delight in each other’s company and conversation, which makes them try to include each other in their activities, though they do just fine apart.
To have best friend chemistry means to be able to be your complete and whole self with your partner and you know they will love, respect and honor you. The key word here is that you have the trust to really be yourself around your partner without any fears or concerns.
3.REQUIREMENTS: For relationship success, your partner must also meet your list of Requirements. These are non-negotiable “deal-breaker” traits that you have consciously thought of beforehand. Because of who you are, your strengths, weaknesses, personality, you know that without these certain Requirements, the relationship would not work if it were missing. They are black and white traits with no negotiation. They are so important for your relationship success, that if your partner were perfect in every other way, but was missing just one of your Requirements, you would walk away from the relationship. You already know it couldn’t work. You shouldn’t waste their time or yours. Everyone’s Requirements list is unique to each individual. There is no right or wrong. It’s because of who you are as an individual that determines what Requirements you need in a partner.
What singles often do wrong is create a long list of all the things they want in an ideal partner and they wonder why they can’t find the right person. Their friends tell them they are too picky…and they are. Understanding what your true Requirements are should help you to narrow down the list to approximately 8-10 traits that are not unreasonable to ask for. You’re not being too picky. You just understand what is critical for yourself to be fulfilled and capable to have a lasting relationship. If you find yourself listing items like blond hair, blue eyes, plays the guitar…then think again. Those should be viewed as simply Wants or in other words “wouldn’t it be nice if” traits and not Requirements to have a successful relationship.
Examples of possible Requirements: addiction-free, trusting, open communicator, sense of humor, shared spiritual/religious beliefs, fidelity, romantic, wants children, organized, financial responsibility, honesty, flexibility, shared primary interests, spontaneity, loves animals/pets, independence.
As you create your list, ask yourself “Could this relationship work if this Requirement was missing”? If you answer immediately “no”, and know deep inside that it’s true, then it’s a Requirement. Don’t budge and don’t compromise on your Requirements list. If it’s just a concern or creates and issue but is not a deal-breaker, then it’s a Need. This means you could come up with a win-win solution or compromise and still be happy in the relationship. Create your final list with 3 categories: Requirements, Needs and Wants and be clear on the difference between the three. Remember it’s only your Requirements list that is critical for a happy, forever relationship.
Stay true to this 3-part formula and you will truly have everything you need for the relationship of your dreams.
© Copyright, 2005, Val Baldwin, www.valbaldwin.com
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